Your mother is your first friend. She is the one who cradled you when you were a baby. This article is about the loss of a mother. Nothing can prepare you for what it’s like to lose your mother. I have had many people over the years who have lost their mothers. I felt sad for them and offered them words of comfort. However, I had no idea how painful it is to not have your mother with you.
It doesn’t matter what I write in this article if you haven’t lost your mother (May God bless all mothers with a long life!). You will not fully understand the depths of the pain one goes through. The pain is paralyzing and hits you at random times. One minute you may be fine, and the next minute you may be huddled in your room in inconceivable pain.
If you’ve lost your mother, you’re probably sitting down and nodding your head.
My mother passed away on June 17, 2014. She had suffered from seasonal fever prior to her death. His death with only a fever was unbearable for everyone. He was in Lahore almost 150 miles from home on the day of his death. And almost a week before his death we met. And one day before his death we had cellular communication.
The day she died, I was attending a conference, my phone was on vibrate mode. A girl sitting next to me told me that your phone is vibrating. I said okay, I’ll see you after the conference. But the phone vibrated continuously. I left the conference room and answered the call, it was my sister, she spoke to me as usual, what is it? Have you made your breakfast? etc. I told him it was my conference time, I’m busy, I’ll call you later. One thing to mention, since she was married, I thought she was calling from her home. But this time she was at Mom’s house. She said listen! He didn’t actually say how he told me about my mother. I remembered that it was Tuesday and next Monday was my final exam. She said, can you come home today? I said are you okay? I am preparing for my exams. I’ll be back after my exams. Goodbye, and I end the call.
When I walked into the conference room, my phone vibrated again … And she said listen, Ami is coming to Lahore for the medical check-up because she had a fever, so when will you be free? I said when they come I will be free. I will contact them after the conference. I was doing all this without seriousness because this time nothing was serious for me, but my sister was thoughtful. Because at that time my mother was suffering from a 40 degree temperature and the doctors referred her to Lahore. I was not aware of all this. There was nothing wrong with my mind. After 10 minutes I realized that something was going to go wrong with me. I started calling at my house, every contact number was not answering. I tried hard but I was helpless and started crying why are all the contacts OFF? Briefly … (And then he died on the way to Lahore)! And sadly, I got close to his deathbed 3-5 minutes before he was buried.
I write about my experience. Your experience may be completely different, but I bet most of you can find some similarities between my experience and yours.
The first few days after your mother’s death will feel fuzzy. It will work only in the sense that you will communicate with relatives, comfort family members, and continue to take care of necessary tasks. Numbness is the perfect word for this moment. After a few days, it’s time for life to get back to normal, right? Incorrect! Life will never be normal again. It will be different, but it will never be like before. How can it be?
For the first few weeks, your family and friends will be wonderful. They will offer you lots of smiles and hugs. They will offer to take you out to dinner and listen to you as you talk about how bad the pain is. You will hear a lot of “I’m here for you” and “If there’s anything I can do” comments during this time.
After a couple of months, it will seem that people have forgotten that they lost this important part of their life. They will stop wondering how you are and may even seem concerned when you want to talk about your mother. You see, people who have not been through this pain believe that there is a period of grieving and that is it. After some time, you should be ready to move on with your life and “get over it.” But you will never get over it. The pain will diminish and the moments of intense pain will be increasingly separated, but how can you get over the loss of your mother?
Well-meaning people will try to speed up the grieving process for you. They will try to keep you busy, and some of them will not mention your mother’s name for fear of hurting you. But you must allow yourself to cry. If you try to keep busy and forget it, it will catch up with you.
After my mother died, I tried to push the pain away. Every time I felt like falling apart, I would take a deep breath and take care of something else. This worked for a while, but not for long. The pain wasn’t going away and she needed to feel it. There is no right or wrong way to cry, and there is no set time limit for the process.
The old saying “Time heals all wounds” is not entirely accurate, but it is not entirely inaccurate either.
I don’t know if the wound of losing a mother will ever heal. The pain becomes more bearable over time. But how long should it take? No one can tell. I spent months remembering my mother as how perfect a human being she was. She was a wonderful person, but let’s face it, she was human, death is inevitable. Remembering bad times is not always easy. But there is nothing you can do about it now. You cannot push it away because, like pain, it will find you. My mother knew that I loved her very much and I knew the same about her.
Three and a half years have passed since my mother passed away. We brothers miss her a lot. We laugh and smile like the mother used to say when we were children. At some point after your mother’s death, you will find reasons to smile again. I think this is one of the best things we can do to honor our mothers and the love we have for them.
Find joy again. Laugh heartily. Love deeply. Live as your mother would like.
On those days when you miss your mother, don’t fight it. Allow yourself to miss her. As said, “Mothers deserve to be remembered.”
“God has my mother in his care, and I have my mother in my heart.”