Every year the local radio station plays the silly barking dog song “Jingle Bells.” My dog Fifi loves it. In fact, he loves it so much that he barks.
I used to think it was cute, but it has escalated. Every year the local radio station starts playing its Christmas music one day earlier than the previous year. I estimate that, by 2020, we will be in July. I can’t bear the thought of a geriatric Fifi yelling “Jingle Bells” at the top of her lungs. Sometimes I wish a nameless canine wonder would learn a new tune, something more melodic like “Mary, Did You Know?” or “Oh, little town of Bethlehem.” Ho hum! My tail is wagging.
In any case, little Fifi has gotten used to singing “Jingle Bells” during her increasingly long dog showers. My neighbors love it. I hate it.
Well, I shouldn’t say “Hate”. It’s kind of cute, but also a bit embarrassing. I mean, our backyard is visible from every house in our neighborhood and neighbors tend to congregate in one corner of our chain-link fence to laugh and discuss the little poodle’s almost human alto. If he could be bold enough to be a boastful father, I must admit he has quite an impressive alto. Modestly speaking, of course.
The thought crossed my mind that we should go on tour. Sell tickets, t-shirts, dog paws and photos of glamorous Fifi. I can hear the booming voice of James Earl Jones announcing from backstage as Fifi makes his debut appearance, “Meet the most amazing canine talent in the world: Fifi The Canine Contralto.”
Well, I admit it, it’s a dog hair fantasy, that James Earl Jones thing. Knowing my luck, I’d be stuck with Scrappy Doo as the announcer.
Anyway, Fifi loves Christmas. He waits for it all year. Last year I bought him this cute little table with a poodle engraved on its face. Fifi loves it. She sleeps underneath. Eat under it. He goes to the bathroom under him. And every now and then I find her sitting across from him admiring her little wood poodle friend. I think she may be in love.
Of course, puppy love, as we all know, is the cutest kind of love. And when he hit my Fifi, he was a little out of place. It happened last spring, like clockwork. I’d been watering the lawn, an activity that Fifi is often eager to help me with, but not on this outing. No, when I returned to my living room after that fateful day in early May, I found Fifi sitting in the middle of the living room gaping at her table with a dog’s face. It was incredible. I was in shock.
I was planning to buy Fifi another piece of furniture in a canine size this year, but I am reconsidering. I don’t want your new poodle friend to get jealous. I have heard that the jealousy of dogs is many times worse than humans. I’m not curious enough to know for sure. However, I am running out of ideas. Fifi is a bit picky when it comes to her Christmas presents. Two years in a row he made me return the rubber dog bone because he didn’t like the taste of it. I don’t want to go through that again. Who would have thought I’d have a licorice and sarsaparilla fun?
So I go back to where the dog started. What do I get my little Fifi this year? You may end up getting a music box that plays “Jingle Bells”. That way, we can install it on top of your new love’s log house by the window and impress your new friend by singing her favorite Christmas jingle while watching love beaten on my furniture. And I’m glad for one thing: Fifi is not a Siberian huskie.