(Tales of the black sofa)
Mike was completely stressed out when he walked into my office last week. Taking a long drink of water, she flopped onto my black leather sofa and sighed.
“Coach,” he said. “I need to get out of my relationship.”
Mike is 38 years old and a successful screenwriter. Mike was also perpetually single with a long history of failed relationships. His situation is typical: he did not have to be afraid of something long term, he simply could never find “the One”. Mike could never stay in a romantic situation for long before moving on to something new.
Today’s session was no different. Once again he found himself feeling trapped with someone he didn’t want to be with. He told me his story.
“I met Lexy about a year ago. She was in a bar and there she was. She looked amazing and she had a great smile. She pulled me in and I just had to get to know her.”
For Mike, it always started with physical attraction. He continued: “We really get along. The next thing you know, we are very involved. Things were great at least … the first six months were wonderful … really fun. Even though I think I gained ten pounds. My friend did. it’s called the Diet of Love. You stop going to the gym, order things, and stay in bed day and night. “
Mike’s enthusiasm began to wane when he said, “After the first six months, things slowly started to change. We started getting to know each other outside the room. The more we talked, the more I realized I had nothing in common with her. And to be honest … this is kind of hard to admit … I wasn’t interested in anything she had to say. “
“Our relationship became strained at worst and polite at best. The little things started to bother me. The way he chewed his food drove me crazy. The way he laughed … it was this high-pitched squeal that I think only dogs could hear … it drove me crazy. “
The sigh. “I’m getting on her nerves too. Last week Lexy almost pushed me out of bed because she said I was snoring too much.”
Mike straightened up and looked me in the eye. “We need to break up and it’s been a long time coming anyway. I agree with that. But what I really need to find out is: what the hell is going on in my relationships? It’s always the same. Is it me?” the right women? I’m 38 years old and I haven’t figured it out yet. “
Dating often begins as a chance encounter in which physical attraction leads to relationships that we “break up” rather than a choice we stop to think about. We get caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new. We give in to haste!
But eventually the “chemical reaction” of attraction begins to sizzle. The excitement fades and often we meet a person we don’t know that well. In Mike’s case, he realized he was with someone he couldn’t bear to be with.
This brings us to online dating. There are aspects of character and personality that will create a bond beyond the initial stage of attraction, and online dating allows us to go beyond the casual encounter, beyond the physical attraction. We can look for possible coincidences that we may never find in our daily lives. With the click of a mouse we have access to a wealth of information: interests, hobbies, passions, lifestyle, beliefs and more.
Online dating allows us to approach dating from a completely different angle. Instead of meeting someone from the outside in, we can establish a relationship from the inside out.
Does this “more informed” approach to your romantic life lead to a more compatible and satisfying relationship? Unfortunately, the answer is no! “
Just as physical attraction alone is not enough to maintain a long-term relationship, having things in common alone will not satisfy you. You still need physical attraction. You can find tons of people online that will look perfect. Then you meet face to face and you know in a split second that this person is not for you. You never really know what will happen until you meet.
But imagine if it attracts you! The reason they decided to meet up in the first place was because they have things in common and their personalities intertwine. You have already laid the groundwork to take your dates beyond the physical.
What online dating really offers is the opportunity to meet and communicate with many people with whom we share common interests and qualities. It’s not the holy grail of dating, but it’s a great way to increase your chances of finding something in the long run.
You may still have to go to a lot of dates to find your match, but that’s why the internet is so exciting! There are always new people to meet and always the opportunity for that next date.
Mike is currently dating online and he loves it! I encourage you to try it for yourself.