So your marriage is not working? You stay up at night worrying about the problem. Now what to do? You’ve talked to yourself like a fool, trying to reconnect with that person who was once the love of your life, all to no avail. Is the problem you? Is your partner cheating on you? Are you doomed to marriage?
The answer depends on what you do now. Sit back, keep worrying, and everything will work out just like it’s supposed to. OR … DO SOMETHING about it that is within your control to fix the problem. Every marriage will go through challenges, bad times. How we decide to take control of the situation is our decision. We have the power to fix what is wrong in our lives. Where we are in life is because we have chosen to be in this place. Nothing prevents us from being who we want to be, only ourselves.
Do you remember how things were when you were together for the first time? You thought of your partner in every waking moment and often in our dreams. What changed? We did it. It’s not your partner’s fault, it’s yours. Stop for a moment and think. What was different back then, before the relationship turned into a disaster? Not only did he spend time thinking about this person he has a crush on, but he went out of his way to get things done to make the relationship work. So what happened? Did you allow yourself the “luxury” of falling into a routine, assuming that this person would always be there? Did you stop holding your tongue and spitting the poison out of your mouth? Even when, deep down, you knew it would be detrimental to the relationship?
STOP!!!!!! Take a break. Think about why you even want to change this pattern in which your relationship has evolved. Seriously, write a list of all the things worth saving in this marriage. Then write in writing. Now think about how these things make you feel. Is it the security of the relationship? Is this how your partner made you feel once before, how you made them feel? What is?
Focus on these elements, don’t dwell on the negatives. Think about the positive aspects of your relationship, your partner. Now make them your daily focus. Do things that positively nurture things back to where they were. Take time to spend time together. Remember how you used to listen to each other? What was the meaning of what the other said?
Think about the positive qualities of your partner, which you fell in love with. Work to emphasize them every day when you are with this person. Remember, once there was something that made you glow inside of you when you thought of them. Bring that feeling back as you think about these qualities. Comment on them when you are with your partner. Make an effort to rekindle the romance again.
In no way am I saying this is easy, it is not. Once you have established a pattern, it is difficult to break that pattern. For whatever reason, we tend to dwell on the negative aspects of life. However, you have the ability to change this. You and only you can change this. It will take time to get back to what you once were, but you spend a lot of time worrying about the relationship, worrying about how things “used to be”. Your partner will be reluctant to change at first (remember what I said about established patterns?). It is up to you to be persistent. Not in a sticky and demanding way, but gently. Always be open to listen, to remind ourselves of what brought them together in the first place.
Life can be a struggle. How we deal with that struggle makes the difference in success and failure. There will always be temptations to deal with, trust issues at stake, stress from raising a family, from work, from bills that keep trying to dominate us. Just remember, where you are in life is because you have chosen to be there. Is this the place you want to be? If not, use this opportunity as your wake-up call and change where you are in life.
Amy Waterman has an excellent resource to help you on this journey. Your program will help you identify the roots of some of the discourses in your relationship. She has helped couples recover from what seemed impossible to overcome. I urge you to consult your program. It could be the turning point in saving your marriage.