I believe that emotional intimacy is the MAIN component of a love relationship that keeps a man committed for the long term. Most older women can’t compete with women in their 25s and 30s who stroll into their husbands’ workspaces in miniskirts and push-up bras, but wise older wives have something far more important than a toned body and a perfect skin. They have years of happy martial memories, which have enhanced their ability to hold their husbands’ hearts in their hands and bring their men home every night, emotionally satisfied!
Here are 4 ways to help create a deep bond between you and your man and PREVENT him from drifting, temporarily or permanently:
First way to approach it: open it
Your man has to feel COMFORTABLE TRUSTING you (revealing confessions, secrets, fears, etc.).
In a tough world where most men feel like they have to act tough just to get through the day at work or to survive a night of beer and football with the boys, they really need to have a place where they can be vulnerable.
As a woman, you must be the one to create that space that invites vulnerability for him. You must create a place for him to take off the “man mask” of himself and be able to be himself and SHARE himself.
Although we all know that men are not like most women in the way that we talk at length about our problems and talk directly about our feelings, they need an outlet for pent-up stress and negative feelings. A woman who can create that outlet is essential to the happiness and emotional health of her man.
So how do you become a safe place for your man?
You make it YOUR safe place first. This includes two steps:
- You risk vulnerability with him and share with him your feelings, secrets, fears, etc. Basically, you reveal your most vulnerable part to him.
- You allow him to comfort you in these moments as if he were your hero.
Now, sharing your harsh truths with him doesn’t mean you become a whiner and a crybaby. It means that you share your negative feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. with him to bring them both closer.
Examples of what I mean:
A COMPLAINANT comes home, drops her bag on the counter, runs around the kitchen complaining about a co-worker while her husband is quietly reading a book at the kitchen table when she bursts in and starts ranting.
A REVELATOR comes home, kisses her husband on the cheek, sits next to him, and as she lovingly touches him, says, “I know you’re reading that book you just bought, but I need to listen to my loving husband for a moment.” minute. What do you think about that?”
A WHINER takes an intimate moment with her boyfriend (eg pillow talk) and talks over and over about her feelings around a topic, dumping all her anxiety onto her man and making him feel invisible as a person and more like a person. sounding board. Now this crybaby could still be sweet, loving, kind with her words, but if she has been talking to him instead of WITH him, she is treating him like a garbage man.
A REVELATOR takes this intimate moment and talks about his feelings and thoughts while constantly checking to see if his words are getting through to him. She knows when she’s overwhelming him with her negativity and she can stop without resentful that he doesn’t continue to listen well.
COMPLAINERS and COMPLAINERS usually allow their men to comfort them, but they don’t get out of trouble easily. They SUCK validation, affection, comfort instead of APPRECIATING and HONORING YOUR EFFORTS with genuine “Thank you” and playful “You always know what to say” hugs and kisses.
Receiving comfort from a man is important. Surrendering to their hugs, kisses, reassuring words is essential. And even MORE essential is…
Accept your comfort with grace and sensitivity to your ego. even if it doesn’t feel comforting.
So…
Once you reveal your most vulnerable part to him and allow him to comfort you, he will begin to open up about his feelings, fears, secrets, needs, etc.
Leave it alone.
Don’t talk about him or try to solve his problems by acting like his therapist. Don’t half listen because your sister is on the other line.
Be mindful and in a way that INVITES them to feel safe and HEARD in your presence.
Second way to approach it: don’t fight dirty.
Now that your man has opened up and shared parts of himself with you, guess what happens to a lot of women:
They take these revelations and throw them in their man’s face in moments of heated discussion.
Examples:
“That’s why you think your boss thinks you’re weak!”
“No wonder you’re afraid of feeling like a failure!”
“Maybe you’re acting like this because your father was abusive, like you told me he was.”
When women see red, we want to WIN a fight and feel like our feelings are valid. THEY ARE ALREADY valid. All your feelings are valid. Nothing I say or do is going to negate your feelings. You are entitled to them and that is all you need to know.
If you want your man to LISTEN to your feelings, SEE your pain, UNDERSTAND your pain, talk to him like he is someone you HEAR, SEE, UNDERSTAND.
This will create an emotional connection and bring him emotionally closer to you. He will realize that you are able to HONOR his PERSON and his FEELINGS even though you also have very negative feelings. Then it will start doing the same for you. This is how healthy men work. They want nothing more than to KEEP your feelings, even when you’re upset. They just don’t want to get burned by it.
If you can express your feelings to him in a SAFE environment that invites closeness and positive change, he’ll break his back trying to honor your feelings and desires… even if he has to make sacrifices for your happiness. He really wants to take care of your emotional needs. It feels manly to him.
3rd Way to Bring Him Close: Touch Him and Adore, Crave, Immerse yourself in HIS Touch
Some women are naturally (or have learned to be) open with their physical affection. They touch and caress their man (or everyone they meet) with love, tenderness and warmth. These women are goddesses.
Sarah Jeanette, my friend and writing partner, is one of these women. She draws you in with the soft and sweet sensuality of hers and she does this mainly by touching you while she talks to you.
If you’re not a sensual goddess like Sarah, you CAN easily BE. It just takes practice. It is about LOVING touches that CALMS the man and INVITES him to the connection.
Please, DO NOT be one of those women whose touches are TIGHT by nature. Touches that are not caresses but TAKE more of her energy are not conscious touches and drive men away!
Example of TAKE TOUCH:
You PULL on your husband when you hug him, instead of SLOWLY SINKING INTO deep physical closeness with him.
You stroke your man, but your strokes are tense and move TOWARDS YOU, as if you’re trying to get him to touch you back. (Your strokes should move in his direction.)
Now listen…
Even more important than touching him, is RECEIVING his touch.
Every time your man touches you, relax with him… Like he’s a hot knife and you’re butter on his blade. Melt in the heat of him. Let his muscles relax and invite his touch.
Sometimes this is easy to do, like during great sex, and sometimes it’s hard.
If you’re mad at your man, you don’t have to force yourself to melt into his touch, but you also don’t have to walk away like he’s RADIATION. It feels so horrible for him.
If you’re really angry and hurt, just say you don’t want him to touch you, give him a reason, and LET HIM back off. If he doesn’t back down right away, be firm and tell him more forcefully. But let him be the one to back down.
Fourth way to approach him: Be playful!
Being genuinely playful requires that you feel happy in your life; therefore, you need to start having a loving and positive relationship with yourself.
- You should point yourself.
- Take every opportunity to laugh, have fun and relax.
- You need to make room to feel your negative feelings and be less hard on yourself when you feel down.
- You must take some time for yourself and take care of your mind, body and soul.
- You must find a way to love your work and hobbies and find joy in them.
- Indulge your senses to enhance your sensuality (look for my next article, “5 Ways to Enhance Your Feminine Allure”).
Once you love yourself in a gentle, playful, and forgiving way, and feel that you have an authentically positive, playful, feminine, sweet, soft, silly, giggly energy, you can bring that into your relationship.
Take any time you can to ENJOY your man and the moments you share together. Refuse to take anything you do or say too seriously.
Find ways to make him warm, smiling, cuddly, and goofy on the inside. i call this softening it— like a steak in the oven, you are trying to make its heart tender and juicy.
Happy times together create emotional intimacy because laughter makes your heart and theirs happy and happy hearts are full of LOVE to give.