The lesbian deathbed

I was recently enjoying a summer afternoon alone, happy in my solitude reading a book.”Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples.” It was in my happiness that I learned that lesbians are far more likely than any gay or straight relationship to go years without sex. I wasn’t happy or very relaxed. I didn’t know that statistically when lesbians say they haven’t had sex in a while with your partner can mean years!

This is such a sad fact. Now I’ll be the first to admit that sex is really important to me, perhaps making me shallow in that department. I just couldn’t imagine being with someone I love and not feeling her bare skin pressed against mine, smelling her as we felt each other’s warmth.

Now, of course, there are some exceptions, where sexual intimacy is interrupted by physical illness or emotional difficulties. Those situations are understandable, but this statistic doesn’t include people struggling with physical or emotional problems, it’s two healthy people who have stopped having sex. After the first year, and all the chemistry that fosters passion and attraction stabilizes, it is common to find differences in the level of desire and needs, high desire vs. low-desire individuals.

I have been judged in the past for placing too much emphasis on sex, that my expectations have been set too high (what’s wrong with wanting sex five times a week…minimum). In my defense, while you catch your breath and stop cursing me or praying for my girlfriend’s sanity and vagina, I’m also a big believer in commitment and other forms of intimacy.

A healthy relationship starts with good communication and paying attention to all departments of a relationship equally. If you believe that sex is not important, you will need to find someone with the same belief to make the journey easier. Some of us long for a companionship that doesn’t depend on sexual intimacy. In the end, I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to be with someone, if there is open and safe communication, trust and both are looking for a healthy and happy relationship.

However, if you and your partner are at opposite poles of the desire scale, here are some helpful tips:

  1. Clearly communicate who you are and what you want (for example, how much sex you want or how often).
  2. Be aware of the feelings of others and talk openly about how you feel. Typically and naturally, a partner who has high desire will feel demanding, exposed, and deprived of physical intimacy, while a partner with low desire might feel resentful of the demands placed on them, inadequate, and guilty for repressing sex.
  3. Do not miss. As you negotiate with your partner about needs and wants, hold on to who you are and her integrity.
  4. Don’t expect your partner to take responsibility for your feelings, be responsible for your own feelings, and learn to stay calm and calm down.
  5. Differences in sex roles and intimacy are a lifelong process and allow for the development of who we are and our relationships with others.
  6. Learning and effectively communicating who you are and your needs could be the key to reigniting desire and passion.
  7. No one in a relationship gets their way all the time.
  8. Sexual desire doesn’t have to be something you hope to build in order to respond with sexual contact; all you need is to be willing to be sexual.
  9. Maintain or increase the passion in your relationship: exercise your libido (for example, by masturbating); have getaways, bathe and shower together, have sex in different places, break the routine, give each other massages, remind each other how special they are, have date nights, spend time apart (so you can miss each other), go out for sessions, be romantic (buy flowers), write poems or letters, meet somewhere and pretend you are strangers, talk about your sexual fantasies, and take risks together.
  10. Be an active participant in your relationship, keep in mind that you do not become just part of the scene.

Relationships evolve and change just as we do throughout our journey in this life, no matter what choices you make with your partner, you will need to reevaluate those decisions from time to time and change what isn’t working. The art of loving is a constant movement that requires and tests our patience, understanding of ourselves and of others.

There was a time when I would have said that this is all too much work, and I really like the passion stage, having all the sex I can handle, and that I’m better off alone. Little by little, though, I’m learning that intimacy comes in many forms and that with bargaining, resistance, and hardship, passion can be even more exciting after I’ve crossed life’s hurdles with someone I love, and it’s just the beginning.

Alex karydi – the lesbian guru

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